If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So squirting runs in the family.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
