Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
