Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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