It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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