He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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