pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
