No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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