upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
