Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
