Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
