I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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