Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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