I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
