Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
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Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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