____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
