i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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