I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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