so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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