I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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