when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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