Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
