I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
