a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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