I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
