is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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