Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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