The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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