I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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