The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
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Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
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I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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