I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
