My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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