I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
