hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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