Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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