Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
