found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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