once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
