She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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