the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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