my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
