So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
