moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
