Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
