i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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