Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
