your parents love me but you hate me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
