Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
