I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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