i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
