i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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