omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think I won the penis lottery.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
