The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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