That's when you crack a 10am beer
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
